Whether it’s underperformance, tension in the team, or a behavioural issue that’s eroding culture - performance conversations require courage.
I have made all the mistakes in the book.
I have avoided these conversations. Rushed them. Been overly soft. Or worse, overly blunt.
This month, I have read Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patton, and Heen. It offers a framework for performance feedback that’s clear, respectful, and effective. It’s a great book - theory meets practice in a way that actually sticks.
Understanding the Three Conversations at Play
In any performance conversation (or difficult conversation more broadly), there are really three conversations happening at once—whether we acknowledge them or not:
1. What Happened?
You may think the story is clear (you are likely to be surprised!), but start from a mindset whereby you seek understanding.
“Help me understand how you saw this deadline slipping. What happened from your perspective?”
2. Feelings
We tend to avoid them. But unspoken emotions can derail even the most well-intentioned feedback.
Acknowledge both your emotions and theirs:
“This was frustrating for me - and it led to a client complaint.”
3. Identity
Performance conversations inevitably touch on someone’s sense of self.
Am I failing? Do I belong? Am I good at this?
Being conscious of this helps you deliver feedback in a way that supports growth, not shame:
“This doesn’t define you. It’s something we can both work on.”
Practical Tips for Leaders
Here are a few practical takeaways that have helped me—drawn from the book and my experience:
It seems perverse, but even when an outcome has been pre-determined - say, a termination or redundancy - I have still tried to adopt a mindset of curiosity, helping me approach this conversation with dignity, openness, a willingness to assist in any transition and the possibility of learning on both sides.
Assume less, observe more. Don’t speculate about motives—talk about the impact. (e.g. “When the deadline slipped, it impacted the whole team’s delivery.”)
I’ve used lines like: “I’ve hesitated to raise this—and that’s true—but it’s important that we’re honest with each other.”
Your aim is clarity. Not comfort. Not conflict. Clarity.
Especially for lawyers and high performers—resist the temptation to over-prepare. You don’t need a perfect script. Instead, know your key points, and stay open to the direction the conversation takes.
So, what performance conversations have you been avoiding?
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